Counselling in Grief
The path after baby loss is not straight, its long, bumpy, twisty and uncertain. Its not the same for everyone, and everyone is not the same.
I have been grateful to work with clients in the counselling room, and in groups, privileged to listen to the stories of grief & loss.
It feels that we all have one thing in common, why? and what now? Why did this happen, and is it my fault? and what do I do now my baby is gone?
These are common questions I hear in the therapy room, did my body let down my baby? in those early days, the feeling of guilt is overpowering, the feeling of ‘I let my baby down’ ‘I didn’t do enough’, ‘its my fault’ ‘my body failed us both’ and ‘what now’?
You didn’t let your baby down, neither did your body, but its normal to feel that you did. Blame, guilt, and shame all play a huge part in loss. Its about allowing those feelings to rise, run around inside us and then move along. They say there are stages in Grief, some agree, some do not, whatever path grief takes, allow it, grief is a natural process to healing, it is not an overcoming of a loss, it is not a ‘letting go’ it is a process that one must move through in order to allow healing. I question do we ever truly heal, and I question are we ever truly the same after a loss? But I also question that after a loss our outlook on life changes, it shifts, it sees life differently. Without pain there is no growth. Growth is not always welcomed, often we say to ourselves I want everything to go back to the ‘way it was’ but truthfully after we lose a loved one, this cannot be so. All we can do is carry that loved one in our hearts, and in our memories. Cherish the small times we had with them. If life is made up of energy and we are all energy, then nobody really dies, nobody goes away forever there is a presence around us that is not tangible, but it is there, those we loved and lost are in our world but not in physical form.
My words do not heal a broken heart, nor do they help in a loss, but knowing that you are loved unconditionally and that your loss was never your ‘fault’ may go some way to understanding the why. Its the feeling we have inside of us, that deep feeling of emptiness that nobody can take away. The emptiness of what was inside of you growing, that connection you made to that small person the day you heard you were pregnant, the hopes and dreams you had for those little ones dashed when you hear there is no heart beat. The loss of what could be, the future, the first birthday, the first day at school, the first communion. All the hopes of the ‘firsts’ that are not to be.
You are here now, and your life is different, you did not chose life to be different, but life is. Its where you go to from here, your body and your mind need to be nourished, cared for, minded. Mental health is real, our body and our mind are connected, they are one, we need to care for our body, and care for our mind, in order to allow movement, healing, future conception, and healthy mind and body functioning.
By caring for yourself, you are caring for those around you. Take time for you. Be at one with your thoughts, your feelings and your sadness. But also allow yourself to smile, see the beauty in the small things, get out into nature, walk in your bare feet, step into the cold sea, feel the sand in between your toes. Walk among the trees and listen to the birds. Drink plenty of water. And get some quality sleep. Its the small things that help both mentally and physically as you move through your grief…..let time and space hold your hand.