Miscarriage – the hidden grief

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Miscarriage is the girl that sits opposite you in the office, who says nothing as to why she’s been off work for a few days, maybe even a week, but returns looking washed out, sad and pale, she gets a quick hi, how are you? and then the office moves on.

Miscarriage is the girl on the bus who you see every day on your way to work, she silently sits listening to her headphones, minds her own business, looks the same as she did last week, quiet, inoffensive and in her own little world.

Miscarriage is the mum, who gets up the next day and take her other children to school, gets on with the life, and keeps going for the sake of her others children.

Miscarriage is your boss, who has everything sorted, she is well dressed, articulate, and together, she comes back into work with her usual organised demeanour that she had before, she has structure, control, energy and power, you respect her for her strength and her ability to work with her team.

Miscarriage is the bus driver whose wife is at home in bed, having just had her third miscarriage, while he must go to work in order to pay the bills.

Miscarriage is the CEO of a large successful corporation, she does not stop, if you want to be a part of the team, you don’t stop either, not even for a miscarriage.

Miscarriage is the woman who has done IVF, with hope in her heart, praying that this one will hold, only to wake up one morning to find out that it hasn’t taken just like the other four failed attempts.

Miscarriage is the beauty therapist who looks glamorous, coming into work in her heels prepared for a full days work on her feet, meeting and greeting clients while all she wants to do is lie down and rest her weary body.

Miscarriage is the shop assistant, the hotel manager, the cleaner, the CEO, the manager, the mum, the business owner, the friend, the sister, the person.

Miscarriage happens, miscarriage for some women has happened many times, its a hidden grief, it shows little evidence of coming, but if it happens, it hits hard. Its a conversation few are open to having, many don’t know what to say, and many will assume its no big deal, just move on, and go and try again…….

But miscarriage leaves a gaping hole in peoples lives, it leaves unanswered questions, it leaves feelings of hope dashed, it leaves a mum wondering what is wrong with her body, it leaves a dad feeling helpless, she questions why she cannot hold onto a pregnancy, it leaves unanswered questions to an ever complicated area of pregnancy, the why’s and the why nots. The questions of why did my baby not survive and hers did. Why did I not keep this baby, why why why.

A miscarriage may be seen as a loss ‘too early’ to grieve, but it is far from that, it is a loss, relevant of the time it needs to be give and the time it needs to heal. For women of  childbearing age the chances of miscarriage can range from 10-25% so its very likely someone you know has had one. Miscarriage is the hidden grief, the grief that a mum carries with her, its the sadness she holds in her heart, its the conversation we don’t have because its awkward, its the comments like “just try for another” or the “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be”. For many there isn’t another baby, for many it was their last attempt at IVF, it was their last natural conception, for some a healthy full term pregnancy never happens again. So, spare a thought the next time your colleague comes back to the office, and you know where she has been, ask her how she is? Offer her a moment of your time, and if she isn’t ready to talk…..allow her that space too.

@alannahfitbod

@wellnessafterloss

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Author: alannahdawson

I write because I love words, nature, mountains and the sea, so I bring it all together in my blog. I packed up life in Dublin and moved with my eight year boy, two dogs and our hamster Bear, to Sligo in the West of Ireland, where the mountains reach the seas, the weather is moody and wild. We are here to live simple. You are very welcome, Alannah x

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